绿色连衣裙

绿色连衣裙

8月 26, 2020 阅读 1543 字数 4417 评论 20 喜欢 1


是我用你火热的眼睛,去正面新世界。

文/小桃风

光阴暗暗向夏日进行,翻出一张铺满骨骼的片子。前年在按摩医院拍的,中央一束白色柱体是颈椎,微妙向左歪着。想起在北京的数年光阴,整天与办公桌上的电脑拼命,眼燥和头麻逐渐成为日常小事,时间这种稀罕东西,很难特意为身体某处坏损留出。直到最近在半夜和清晨醒来,麻痹感可怖地遍及整整两只手臂。我思量着自己,身在茫茫人海中,还是个贩卖苦力的角色,健康何其重要,因此终于跟妈妈谈起,抽了时间带我去正骨吧。就是你一直说很管用的那个地方。

回故乡吗?是个浪漫句式。“故乡”是比“家庭”更恒定的存在,更加让人信赖一些。我望去,春末正把这座北方边城让渡给初夏,华北平原的黄沙天一去不返,一场不再掩饰的希望逗留在明澈的长空里。这是我的边城,居民们迫不及待穿起短袖,暮色时再将外套披上肩头抵御凉气。生活恢复了昔日的明晃晃坦荡荡,已经鲜少有人再戴口罩,到处听得见养我长大的乡音。第一个傍晚,我听着这些交谈、讨价、密语、谩骂,这些由生活本身发出的声音。

第二日清晨,沿高速路逐渐向窄处驾驶,抵达一块农田。轧过昨日的泥水与车辙,我们停在一家有青草气味的人家门口。虽然才六点钟,五月朝阳像是已经全面渗透人间,这是全新的一天,是历史上唯一的一天,但我似乎闻到昨夜炊烟还未散尽的灰味。进了院再进屋,由北方火炕与水泥地面组成客厅,家具物品摆放整齐,以致一种空旷感。

拖来一把椅子,我便坐在水泥地面中央。老医生的老婆约莫七十岁上下,站在面前薅起我的脖子,示意诊治可以由此开始。我刚刚斜起眼,往墙上一组九十年代家庭合影看去,颈后的痛就袭来。老医生给我的感觉是动作些许颤巍,至于眼神,我认为他眼神里并没有我的样子,只有一组走了错路的骨骼。八十多岁,他数着我的骨骼说,眼睛干巴巴是不是,后脑勺和胳膊都麻了是不是?年轻人啊。他说得真对。

于是自愿把金钱放进他的手里,名字记在他的纸上,我犹如在走投无路时抛弃科学,押注一张塔罗牌,想着你随便说点什么就好了,却意外被揭穿得很是舒适。人们总是觉得了解自己这件事很重要很神圣,但实话实说,我有时特别渴望向我走来一个人,来完全掌握我的人生,他把一堆药片放在我的手心,跟我说我不必透析自己的病情,只要吃掉这药就好。我在这由质疑与疏离架构而成的时代,追寻一种完全信任的关系,也许是因为热情的夏日即将到来。

不到三分钟,犯错的骨头据说被纠正归位,但无法确认是否与刚出娘胎时的角度彻底一致。戴上颈托后直挺挺走出屋子,再走出了院子,大狗在吠,小鸡在跑跳,医生站在院子的铁门前,稍显威严,嘱咐我上身千万保持别动,啊就这么当五天的皇上,享受伺候就行。我以为颈椎病发的难过不亚于牙疼或者生理期疼痛,况且又得到一种信任关系,于是从头到尾谨遵医讳,保持一颗头不动,上下左右都变为禁区,只用屁股那么坐着。

许久没回到家乡。自从对自己的生日和星座有了概念以后,我便一直爱着五月。北方的五月末,地球一面热一面冷,微凉的低风夹杂不安分的燥热,像极我本身难以捉摸的脾性,甚至寓言我前三十年无从定义的生活。我厌恶这里,但我凭着治病的借口回到这里,坐在这样一幢悬浮于记忆中不挨不靠的高层建筑里,面对住在这里一些我不知该不该爱,若爱又该如何去爱的人,想着这个城市已经没有属于我的房间与小径。

正在复位的肌肉隐隐作痛,有什么东西开始在我的意识里爬行,书与手机都不适合再去看了,就放下,就继续坐在这扇陌生的窗前,任耳朵张开去接受意识里魅影的出没。

城市在协奏。基底是空气流动铺陈的白噪,犹如磁带一面播放完毕后,胶带还在行走的沙沙声。钢琴声响起,像小溪涓流而非山脉攀行,为此刻梳理了调性。大概是c小调吧,明朗直白带些隐晦的邪美,就像十五年前,我在操场上看见一个人,在看见我盯着她出神以后,她从嘴里呲出的邪美微笑。她叫虔雪重这样一个美妙名字,而我依照她的脾气和样貌,暗暗叫她潜水钟这样一个傻名字。头不动时情却动得严重,旧人影像如水清澈又变换着,她右脸轻微扬起,皱着眉心帮我骂人的样子,我想我不该去想了。

转而去想在那c小调钢琴上方,可能是一双微胖的、不太干净的四岁儿童的手,正在黑白之间抓空气的痒。她需要很多时间很多岁月去练习一首曲子,直到弹得像清水自水管中流出那样优顺不着痕迹。我爱恋钢琴飘忽与深重的并存,但我知道未来并不会安分地在她手下形成一首平静乐曲,而总是在练习的过程中被众人粗鲁地打搅,磕绊重重。琴声负责制造一场手指在舞台上飞扬的梦,人则抠着手掌从梦中慌忙惊醒。

原来是一粒柔和但清晰的公交车铃,在远街上有礼貌地嗡鸣。“要赶不上车了吗?”我在心里嘀咕。我害怕在众人面前说话,更害怕对任何人道歉。我宁肯傻傻地站在教室门口很久很久,等待下课后趁混乱走进自己的课堂。或者干脆逃学,一整天在日光晕眩的大街上逛荡。外貌寡淡宁静的我,以在暗地里破坏规则为有趣,如今想来那寡淡与宁静也是某种蓄意的反抗。十三岁的心头突然被许多热爱搪塞,我热爱闷头无声走路,我热爱拒绝正要开始的友谊,我热爱我永远不会自知的错过。

忍不住再想,多年前的我是否坐在那辆公交车上。坐在倒数二排吗?不,我没坐过公交车,家与学校是步行就可安然抵达的距离。我应该正在按下自行车右手把上面生锈的铜铃。捷安特的自行车铃,清脆而朦胧,按一下就引出无限的回旋。就按一下,我的小右手便马上规矩地回到黑胶手把上头。我不着急,我从来都不着急,我在等待仔细听才能发现的回旋。有的人则会着急,会揪住她的铃一直按一直按一直按,我喜欢并渴望爱护那样的人,我希望全世界的道路为她敞开。

多想当面感谢你的耐心,读至此刻我应该需要阐明,为何信赖故乡多于信赖家庭。如实说来,我有故乡却不再有家罢了。我正坐在别人的房间里,与自己的故乡借一间住处。我绝非嫌弃它纯粹只是“住处”,因我对含有历史与情绪在其中的那种”家”,早就失去牵挂。此刻我戴着脖托的身体又何尝不是一个住处而已。生活的捶打使我安分,我的头低得更低,我的沉默沉得更沉,我安分地沉入土地与海底,不盼望再有一个将自我归属于某片区域、某段历史、某个人的怀抱的可能。

此刻由骨骼与颈托支撑,我三十年的过往在现实与幻象中穿行,我的历史步履不停。伤痛的来源若隐若现快要浮出水面,欢愉的理由也逐步明确起来,这都为我平添些勇气,使我在软禁中尝到抬起了头的自由,这包含了伤痛与欢愉的软禁,包含了伤痛与欢愉的自由,包含了只有抬起头才尝到的伤痛与欢愉。

叮铃。可是看见手机上显示她的消息,我又想逃走,定居很远很远的地方。就像你为使自己清醒,把头放进鱼缸里,而身体还裸露在外面那样,屏蔽全世界的善意与理解,只许可鱼走入并爱怜你的薄弱意志。她曾经带你看见世界有种种新奇,却不是那一条愿与你一样冷僻一世的鱼。你只好,至今都试图用她留下的火热眼光再看世界,并独自承认那些都是自己的过错。你曾是身体僵硬的士兵,恪守一种得体的距离,紧接着你又变作贪恋销毁边界、为跨越而喝醉的酒鬼,那些都是你自己的过错。

不知觉屋内已变得晦暗莫测,清风渐次从外面吹了进来,把想象洗练得更像现实。午后大街沉闷湿热,轿车粘滞在护栏两旁,我曾经十分喜爱这种光景,世界的速度忽快忽慢,变得很有意思,令生性软弱的人产生一些想要掌控命运的冲动。天然的热度催发汗水,皮肤渴望一阵风。在这条忽快忽慢的小城市的街道上,在这被光阴巨轮碾过的机器低语与高亢人声中,在这份对风的渴望里,我想到车的后座,那个身穿绿色连衣裙的小女孩,她的黑发温顺地贴在白糯的颈后。伤痛,欢愉,科学,感官,男孩,女孩,靠近,告别……对于生命的狂想,都藏在这世界正在孕育的蒙昧之中。我只记得她的头发温顺,脖颈白糯。

她会在下午第二节课写一篇作文,歌颂伟大的妈妈,然后首次用自己的文字与世界连通,这也许是多年后某种灾难或新生命的开端。她会在一次手术后的病房里,见到一个前来探望的陌生人,手拿鲜花度步到她的床尾,在秋日洁净的月光下犹如一个无辜的魔鬼。她会无助地喊叫继而僵滞在某次人类争吵的场合中,之后就不再穿任何裙子,不再以柔弱女孩的视线看待这个世界。她会看到那个心细如发的赢弱男孩,将她最后的裙装画在课本上,并从此爱上这种笔触简洁却情感充沛的关怀方式。她会醉心于食物、游览、友谊以及对历史的遗忘,她会失去、死去、再被人救起,她会逼着自己重读回忆,她会勇敢地再三回到这里,再三回到这些大小事件的发生地点。一切都是美好的旨意,我是说一切。

十五年后的日光与风都如旧,只有我变了。但是我的毛孔很舒适,能感受到这座小城市历来悠闲、多情的历史。故事在发生,也在消亡,越来越璀璨,越来越迅速,越来越多情,多到这座沙漠城市快要成为一座喷泉之都,为全体正在年轻的人类遮凉。他们操着异调北方语言,在喷泉下触碰、闪躲、许誓、告别,然后成为另一座城市的居民,继续告别。告别。告别。

十五年后,我更爱人,更厌恶告别,更倚赖写字。我热爱的一切伏击我的城堡。那是我为维持物质生活在别的城市建筑的城堡,我匮乏,里面空无一物,我又丰富,墙壁坚固。但是此刻,在日光与风的温柔之下,在胸膛被崭新的骨架撑起一个崭新的形状后,城堡便这么消解了,没有坚固只剩匮乏。贫瘠暴露时,我还在想那条绿色连衣裙的款式与质地。热的五月末,真的很热,是真的,想把衣柜里所有讨厌的衣服都卖掉,卖掉,即使最后一件衣服都没得穿。热爱便是一切邪美的源头,我那个对我很好的幼儿园老师此刻擎着一头白发,如是说。

宋老师,我看着她零落的双眸,与缩成一块淡紫色花瓣的嘴唇形成稳固三角。她看我时也看向四方,跟我说的话也适用于随便哪个过路人。她眨眼了,我曾经喜欢她眨眼,但今天她眨眼时像忽来一阵晚风,把我的童贞吹到很远的街的对面,那里有一家安静的文具店。文具店的老板娘从不抬眼打量我,我的年轻因此于她来说不曾存在,文具店除了文具,还卖吃的,酸梅粉,假肉脯,山桃味棒棒冰。

数千个黎明与黄昏,滚烫的日头从文具店门口升起,落下。我相信有一个我很喜爱的人物,曾按着急促的车铃,从那店门口经过,她头发翘得老高,看得我心生想要掌握未来的激动,镜片反光,理想入迷,她拐过街角,那么迅速,身影发出“倏”地一声,这就是时间流逝的声音。难以自圆其说的是,我现在还很喜爱她。但我的心里暂时整理不出一个舒适的房间留客,这里飞舞着浮尘,它们每刻都在死亡,每刻也在新生,因此我无法停止思量与说话,像血液昼夜激动地撞击脉搏那般,那么多那么多,那么激动那么激动。

直到最后的身体里为你留下无限的缄默和安稳的雨声。那时希望你还要记得走进我的房间,那时我是一个不再想要思量与说话的幸福的人,那时我的身体与心灵将统一且彼此消融,如同骨骼正在回归身穿绿色连衣裙的模样,是我用你火热的眼睛,去正面新世界。


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